By His Grace

We were blessed to be able to have a sneak peek at baby Powell today. Here he/she is at 9 weeks 4 days.

It's funny, I thought I would have be many words to write, but I am almost speechless. Of course, the first thing I said was, "God is good."  But, I wonder if that is the right thing to say?  I mean, yes, God is good - infinitely so! But, I want to be careful about saying God is good just because something I want has happened. That is not what makes Him good. He's not good because I have a healthy pregnancy.  He is good because He is God. He was just as good 6 months ago during the third miscarriage as he is today when I sat in the doctor's office and heard a heartbeat.  He hasn't changed; He is good and sovereign in all things.  Not just now, not just today, but always.

However, this pregnancy has shown me just how gracious God is. There is nothing about mine or Stephen's depraved selves that deserve the blessing of a child.  Yet God, in his wisdom and by his overwhelming grace, has made it so, thus far. At each sonogram and wave of nausea, I am reminded that it it by the grace of God that we are here.  I am completely underserving, but so grateful. I know I don't deserve to be blessed like this. So, tonight I am praising God for his sweet grace. It is by His grace that we are celebrating a healthy baby at 9 weeks and 4 days. To God be the glory.

A Beautiful Sound

We heard the beautiful sound of our baby's heartbeat at our appointment on Thursday. With each passing day, I feel more hopeful. I am letting myself start to plan and dream about this little one.

According to the ultrasound, baby Powell measured 6 weeks and 5 days, when, by the calendar, he/she should be 7 weeks 3 days.  However, I know the more important thing is that there was good growth from last week to this week, and I know a strong heartbeat is a good sign.

After the appointment, Stephen and I went for lunch together. At random moments one of us would mimic the sound of the heartbeat, "Ba....thump. Ba......thump. Ba....thump." We would break into huge grins all over again. We are blessed to be this far.

Our baby's  heartbeat: a beautiful sound!  To God be the glory.

Thank You

Tomorrow is the “big day.” Tomorrow’s ultrasound will (hopefully) provide tangible evidence that this pregnancy is different from my previous three.  I have never been past 7 weeks pregnant and had things measuring where they are supposed to be. In previous pregnancies growth slowed or stopped around 6 weeks, even though I carried two of the pregnancies longer.

I am excited because I feel very much pregnant.  No disappearing symptoms as in previous pregnancies.  But, there is a constant nagging nausea. Yay!  And, I am not kidding when I say it makes me smile. 

I must admit, I was so nervous about making my last post. I know it seems silly for someone with my history to share their news so early.  But, I am so grateful to know that so many are praying. It is an absolute blessing. I do not take your prayers for granted.

Thank you for all your kind words, encouragement and prayers. You have truly blessed me!

Trusting the Giver of Life

Since seeing two pink lines about 3 weeks ago, I have been debating about when and how to write this blog post. I know that hearing someone say, “I am pregnant,”  is painful for many.  So, for those of you who cannot continue reading this post, I totally get it. I have been there, and I am sorry for your pain. 

I began blogging with the intent to be open and candid about what is going on in my life, so, I just can’t do the secrecy thing. I want to celebrate this little life no matter what happens. So, here I am, almost 7 weeks pregnant which will be the farthest any of my pregnancies have made it, developmentally.

Praise God for his grace!

As soon as I got the positive pregnancy test, I began giving myself heparin shots twice per day. This is based on the theory that some women develop clots that interfere with the blood flow to the baby and cause miscarriage. I did not technically test positive for this, but tested "high-normal." My doctor was honest and told me he was not sure this is what caused my losses, but it was worth a try. In addition, I continue to take 81 mg of aspirin daily, my thyroid meds were increase by 50%, and I was put on promethium (progesterone). 

Thursday, we had our first ultrasound. Everything looked great for being 6 weeks 3 days pregnant. We even saw a flicker of a heartbeat. I will return to  the doctor this Thursday for another ultrasound to confirm that the baby has continued to develop past the “7-week milestone.” After that, I will be released to my regular OBGYN.

We are prayerful, excited, hopeful, but, most of all, blessed. I praise God for every little wave of nausea which tells me, that for right this minute, I am still pregnant. I am very optimistic, but no matter what happens, I am grateful to God for trusting us with this little life, whether it be for a couple weeks or a couple decades. I trust God's sovereign plan for this pregnancy.

Each day, I remind myself:

More than medicine, I am trusting the giver of life.

What to Say When She Loses a Baby

I have, for a long time, wanted to write a post to help those who have never experienced a pregnancy loss know how to best minister to their daughters, sisters, or loved ones who are walking this devastating road.   It is difficult to know what to say or how to react to someone experiencing this grief.  And, I will admit, 15 months ago I had no idea how to minister to someone in such a circumstance.  But, since then, the Lord has made me incredibly sensitive to this topic.  So, my prayer is that this humble post will help you sympathize and know how to (and not to) show love to one who has just lost a pregnancy.

A dear sweet friend of mine shared a letter with me that says it all, and says it better than I ever could.  So, I wanted to share that letter with you.


A letter from women to their friends and family 
by Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer 

"I assert no copyright for the material. Please use it as you see fit to help women who have endured this terrible grief. Thank you. Date: Sat, 23 Mar 2002"

"When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar. The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe. 

This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss. 

When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope. 

Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out. 

Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between loosing this child and stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children. 

Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father? 

Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her. 

Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours. 

Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.
 
Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently. 

Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last things I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me. 

Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died..." or "when I was pregnant..." don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone. 

Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine. 

Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or [did something else I wasn't "supposed to] in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen. 

Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter. 

Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that. 

Do say, "I have said a prayer for [you]." Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond. -Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while. If you're my boss or my co-worker: -Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition. 

Do recognize that in addition to the physical after effects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space. 


Do understand if I do not attend baby showers/christening/birthday parties etc. And DON'T ask why I can't come. 
Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else; it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while." 

Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me."

What the Doctor Says

Monday, I went to my RE (reproductive endocrinologist) for a hysteroscopy. This is a procedure in which they use a scope to look for any abnormalities in the uterus.

The RE said everything looks "beautiful." He was looking for any abnormalities that could be to blame for my repeated miscarriages. But, everything was perfect.  I was glad everything was normal. I did not fancy the idea of having a corrective surgery, should something been found to be wrong.

After the test, the RE talked to us about doing a progesterone test. He also said that nothing he has seen thus far has fully explained the lost pregnancies. This news illicited some strange feelings within me. I almost wanted something to be "wrong" so that I would have an answer. If something were wrong we could fix it, and know it was fixed.

But, I had to remind myself that God does't owe me answers. In fact, God owes me nothing, but I owe him faith, obedience, and praise. I owe him everything.

I am blessed to be healthy. I am grateful to be a daughter of the King. I know that His plan is all about bringing Him glory, whether I get "good enough" answers or not. I praise God for using my silly self for His glory.

Grief Regrets

I wish I had done things differently.

I wish I had grieved differently.

When we had our first miscarriage, I hung on to our ultrasound pictures for a about a month. Then, I threw them away. I did not make it far enough in the second pregnancy to have any pictures. I threw away the ultrasound pictures from the third pregnancy on the same day the miscarriage was confirmed. I thought, "I am not going to be the weirdo who holds on to the pictures of her dead babies." I regret that now. I wish I was that weirdo.

For some reason, today, I yearned to look at those pictures, to reminisce and to validate those pregnancies and those little lives.

I wish I could go back to my first Facebook pregnancy post and read all the comments that were filled with excitement and encouragement. But, I deleted those too.

I don't know why I thought I needed to purge the pictures and Facebook statuses. People don't throw away pictures of their parents after they die. Parents don't throw away pictures of their child if it passes away at the age of one. Suddenly, it seems I am the wierdo for throwing those pictures away.

But, it is not really about the pictures. Having those pictures would not change anything, but they are symbolic of how I tried to deal with my losses. I tried to "toss" them out of my mind and start over. But, there is no such thing as starting over. God ordained for me to lose those pregnancies and, therefore, ordained for that to be a part of my story.  Even if I start a new chapter, those chapters of loss will still be a part of the book that is my life.

I now see that I put too much pressure on myself to "get over it." I expected too much of myself.  I regret not embracing the grief.

I still struggle with this, because even as I started to write this blog, I almost talked myself out of it saying, "Don't write about the miscarriages AGAIN. Your readers will think you are pathetic, and that you should be over it by now." The truth is, I am pathetic. I may be over it, but I will never forget.

So, for those of you dealing with grief of any kind: don't make my mistake of trying to force yourself to get over it. You are human. Grief is human. Don't try to run away from grief, it will eventually catch up with you anyway.

Today, I was ready to reminisce, not grieve, over the happiness of positive pregnancy tests and expecting. I was ready to remember all the plans that we made and the naive excitement Stephen and I shared. I had no saved ultrasound pictures or Facebook posts to help me reminisce, but I did find one picture, taken 3 days after my first ever positive test.

I remember. We were ecstatic to be parents. It was wonderful.

Taming the Troublesome Thyroid

After six weeks of medication, my TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) levels are PERFECT.

My TSH is 1.15 down from 3.35, which it measured 6 weeks ago.  

In case you don't know much about thyroid hormones and TSH, the lower the TSH number the better the thyroid is working. The body produces TSH to "beg" for more thyroid hormone to be produced. So, you could say it is an "inverse" indicator of how well your body is producing thyroid hormones. My doctor (RE) wanted my level to be below 2.5, but from what I have read, the closer your TSH is to 1, the less your chance for miscarriage.

This was such an easy test. I can't help but wonder why my regular doctor never checked it. Thyroid hormone is necessary for maintaining a healthy pregnancy. This hormone not only helps sustain a pregnancy, but is also important for the neurological development of the baby. Studies have found that even women who carry their babies to term with a shortage of thyroid hormone were more likely to have babies with low IQ. In addition, high TSH levels have also been linked to difficulty conceiving.

In addition, most doctors will say you are in the "normal range" if your TSH levels are somewhere between 0.5-5.0. However, endocrinologists agree that the maximum level should actually be 3.0. My levels were between the two, and perhaps why this was not caught earlier. My TSH, at 3.35, was within what a regular doctor would consider normal, but above the newer guidelines. 

I am grateful for one piece of the puzzle being put into place. Plus, I feel so much better! Before, I could sleep 12 hours and yet it would be all I could do to drag myself out of the bed. I was feeling depressed and crying ALL THE TIME. I just attributed all this to grief, but now I believe it was related to my thyroid issues. Since starting the meds, I have more energy and feel much better. 

It is interesting how this whole process has taught me to take charge of my health. I have learned to research, learn and be a part of my healthcare. I encourage you to do the same!

No Guarantee

Today, I had my blood re-drawn for a thyroid test. This test will reveal if my thyroid medication is sufficient, or if my dosage needs to be adjusted.

I have been eager to get to the day that we can try to conceive again. Especially eager, since it seems I am surrounded by positive pregnancy tests, big bellies, and precious babies EVERYWHERE. (Hello, miscarriage and infertility phenomenon.) I just can't wait to join all you moms and moms-to-be! However, today, my eagerness to try again, was replaced with some apprehension.

As the lab tech drew my blood, and I told her about all my test results, it hit me: there are no guarantees.

I have not gotten the impression from my doctor that they have "found it."  There hasn't been one specific test result to which they said, "Oh, no wonder you miscarried! This is it; this will fix it."  Instead, it has been results of borderline issues, which, if controlled, could decrease my chance of miscarrying some.  Now, don't get me wrong, I am excited about this. I am blessed that they have found some things to try, because I know some individuals get no answers.  I am optimistic about our next pregnancy. But, still, I realize that there is no guarantee that my pregnancies from here on will be perfect.  

So, I wonder if the vitamins, baby aspirin, levothyroxine, progesterone, and heparin shots will be enough? 

I realize I must sound like a worry-wort. Honestly, I don't know if it is worry, or just coming to terms with the truth. I think these thoughts are probably normal for someone who has had multiple miscarriages. It is also possible I am just weird.

I am a thinker. As such, I tend to think about these scenarios. How will I respond? How will I cope? This is how I put my theology to the test. Will I trust God knowing that there is no guarantee?

As I think these thoughts and ask these questions, I find myself coming to a place of peace. I trust my sovereign God. I don't have to worry because His plans (whatever they may be) will not be thwarted. I am ready for whatever the future holds, not because I am strong, but because my God is.

The Test Results

The test results are in! So, here's an update of what we know so far:

Thyriod: Slightly hypothyroid, began thyroid medication.

Prolactin: Normal

Genetic Karyotype (mine): Normal

Genetic Karyotype (Stephen's): Normal

Phospholipid Antibodies (causing clotting): High normal. Doctor wants me to start heparin injections upon conceiving to prevent any clotting.

So, that is where we are now. I am still waiting to have the hysterosonography. My thyroid levels will be tested again in about 4 weeks to see if my levels are "optimal."

Thanks for all the prayers.

An Update

Poor blog. You have been so neglected. Sorry. So, it is time for an update.

Stephen and I went to the reproductive endocrinologist on Monday. We had a fantastic experience and loved both our doctor (Dr. Isaacs) and his nurses. It was such a relief to talk with them.

They ran several tests on me and also took blood from Stephen for a karyotype (the test that will show if either of us have genetic flaws that would be causing miscarriages). So, now we are waiting for all those results to come back. On Tuesday, the nurse called and told me my TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) was higher than what they would like; meaning I am on the hypothyroid end of the spectrum. My levels were within the “normal” range of .5-4.2. However, apparently, in the endocrinology world, they want your levels below 2.5 for optimal pregnancy health. From what I have read, the closer your TSH is to one usually the less your chance of miscarriage or neurological problems.

So, I began thyroid meds ASAP. The drug is not supposed to take effect for quite a few weeks. After 6 weeks we will retest my levels and see if I need a higher dose. 

In the meantime, we will wait on the other test results. This may not be THE answer, but it could be a piece of the puzzle.  So, for that, I am grateful and excited.

On another note, I have had several blog ideas swirling around in my noggin. But, for some reason all the topics are so controversial that I have been hesitant to write about them. So, I am pondering them and may try to find a less “in your face” way to write them. Or, maybe I will just write them and take the heat….. hmmmm.

I have started running again. Why I ever let myself get our of the habit, I have no idea. But, it has felt so good to be back out there. The plan is to train for a half marathon the first weekend of December. Hopefully, my body will cooperate!

School is finally starting to go a little more smoothly. It takes so long to get the classroom management stuff in place. I feel as if I am getting back into the "groove." And it is about time!  The first nine weeks is almost over! Lately, I have been pondering how to get the gospel to my kids. I realize it is pretty much against the law, but it feels so purposeless to only teach them math. So, that's on my mind right now.......

Well, there you have it an update on what is going on here. I apologize for the randomness, but my life is a little random right now. Stay tuned!

God is Sovereign Still

I have debated about writing this blog, or, more specifically, how to write this blog.  During the past few weeks, I have searched for others who have wrote similar blogs and found encouragement from their stories. So, I write this hoping that someone may be encouraged, but praying, above all, that God will be glorified.

This has been a difficult year. Last September, Stephen and I decided to start a family. We conceived immediately, but lost the pregnancy in November.  We waited several months before trying again. When we did, we had a very early miscarriage, what the doctors call a chemical pregnancy  (a miscarriage before anything could have been confirmed on a sonogram).  So, we tried again. We conceived in July, and are going through another miscarriage.

This one has been physically and emotionally draining. We have been through a couple weeks where we were back and forth between “we are losing it” to “it’s going to make it.” The waiting has been difficult. This morning, the doctor confirmed that a miscarriage is “impending.”

Of course, this has been difficult for us. Grieving a miscarriage is a very lonely place. And now, I find my head swimming with questions: Will this continue to happen over and over again?  Will I ever be able to carry a baby?  How many miscarriages will I be able to take physically and emotionally? Will I get to experience the joy and excitement of expecting, or will I constantly guard my heart for fear of getting “too attached?”

I realize there are many people who have experienced much worse than this. I have read stories of miscarriages numbering 6 and higher, or the loss of pregnancies in the 2^nd or 3^rd trimester. I can’t even imagine. We are blessed our experience has not been worse. Still, it is tough.

I never fathomed this struggle would be a part of my life, but God has used it to teach me so much. I have come to realize the self-righteous thinking that is lurking in my heart. I have learned God’s grace doesn’t show favor and it cannot be earned. 

So, this has been a very humbling experience for me. I find myself praying for God’s grace and mercy, instead of expecting it. As I look at others who are pregnant, or who have children, I repent of my jealousy and envy and praise God for his grace in their lives that he has allowed them to have healthy children and pregnancies. I am still VERY much a work in progress. God is still growing my faith in this area, and I have not “arrived” yet.

A week or so ago, someone told me, “I hope that one day you will get to stand and say how good and faithful God is.”  They implied that I would carry a pregnancy to full term, have a healthy child, and thus proclaim that God is good. When they said this, I wanted to respond, but couldn’t get it out for the tears, so I will say it now:

God is good. Today. Right now. He doesn’t have to bless me to be good. He is.

A few days later I heard, “God is good, and when it seems he isn’t it is because He is GREAT.”

It isn't easy. But, I am clinging to the truth that God is sovereign still. I know He is good. I don’t understand why or how, but I know all of this is for His glory.

Please, Lord, use me for your glory. 

Much Comfort

It has not been an easy month. I have desperately needed comfort. Much comfort.

It has been a month full of…

Starting a new routine

Asking tough questions

Resolving to trust God, but

Realizing the weakness of my faith

Praying for friends who are broken, hurting, lost, and grief sticken

Feeling like I  don’t have the words or strength to comfort those friends

Moments of hope that turn into grief

Periods of grief that turn into confusion

Feeling alone

Yearning for more faith

I have no idea what your month has been like. Maybe you also have found yourself in need of comfort. There are so many places to turn for comfort, but there is only one that truly satisfies: the God of all comfort.

2 Corinthians 1:3-7

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.

He is our comfort. Through Him we can share comfort with others.

I am seeking to lay all my desires at the feet of Jesus. I wish to honestly desire Him more than I desire anything. I know it may hurt to give some of these things to him, but I know I will receive comfort. Much comfort.

Grace Overcomes

A few weeks ago, Stephen and I made the 10+ hour trip back to our “home-town” to spend some time with family. In addition to seeing family and friends, I got to meet my nephew, Calvin, who was only a week old at the time.

Several of you knew that this was going to be a sweet, but possibly difficult experience and offered up prayers for me.  I write this blog to tell you, “THANK YOU.”

Calvin was the first newborn I held since our miscarriage.  I was scared. I was scared that all my sinful emotions would come bubbling to the top, and I would enter into “pity-party mode.”  Jealousy, pity, anger, and resentment were just a few of the sinful emotions I knew lurked inside my heart.  Knowing this, I repented and prayed. Thankfully, I also had many people interceding on my behalf.

When I held that baby boy, by the sheer grace of God all I felt was love. That’s it - just an amazing, overwhelming and unexplainable love. It was absolutely nothing I can boast in; it was 100% a work of God.

Thank you, Lord, for your grace. I absolutely don’t deserve it.

Friend, know this, the grace of God can overcome anything.

The Answer is Grace

“Why do bad things happen to good people?”

I have heard this question asked in so many forms, by so many people. For two years, I consistently shared the gospel with someone, who during each discussion always reverted back to this question. This question was, for him, a stumbling block to faith. I have heard people who face death, divorce, infertility, job loss, and countless other situations ask similar questions.

It almost seems that no matter how hard we search, we rarely find a satisfying answer to this question. I submit to you the notion that we are asking the wrong question. Perhaps, in our sinfulness, we don’t have the right perspective.  So, what perspective should we have? There is no other place to look but God’s Holy Word.

Romans 3:9-10 & 18. "I have already charged that all men, both Jews and Greeks, are under the power of sin, as it is written: None is righteous, no not one; no one seeks for God....There is no fear of God before their eyes."

Romans 14:23  "Whatever is not from faith is sin."

Romans 7:18  "I know that no good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh."

Romans 8:7-8 "For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God's law, indeed it cannot; and those who are in the flesh cannot please God."

What do these verses tell us? We are sinful. We cannot please God apart from the Spirit of God. All that we think and feel apart from God’s spirit is NOT good. Not one person is good. Humanity is in complete and total rebellion against God.

I understand this may make you uneasy. Yet, this is scripture. This type of thinking is not popular today; however, we can’t ignore or sugar-coat this because it makes us uncomfortable. It is dangerous to minimize our sinfulness. Minimizing our sinfulness minimizes the death of Christ.

The truth is that we are corrupt, wicked people. As such, there is only one thing we deserve: death and eternal separation from God.

So, the question, “Why do bad things happen to good people?” is a faulty question because it assumes (1) that there are “good” people and it (2) that we deserve good things from God for that “goodness.”

So, instead of, “Why do bad things happen to good people?” we should ask, “Why do good things happen to bad people?” The answer is grace.

A Different Kind of Mother's Day

“Are you a mother?” the sweet waitress at our restaurant asked me this afternoon. She stood by our table, ready to give me a cupcake should I say yes. There is no way that young lady could have realized the emotions she stirred up inside of me with that simple, innocent question.  As I looked around the restaurant, I said a silent prayer for any of the women who were also experiencing sadness this Mother’s Day.

On November the 7^th, I thought I would be spending Mother’s Day 2011 eagerly anticipating the bundle of joy that was to arrive the first week of June. One day later, I found out that would not be the case. Instead of excitement, I feel pangs of unresolved grief as I think about that little one whom we never got to meet.

I never really understood why Mother’s Day was so hard for so many people. But now, in some small way, I do understand. This day can stir up all sorts of emotions for so many different reasons. Those emotions range from grief for a mother who has passed to sadness from a broken relationship.  Perhaps you have experienced miscarriage and, like me, you are fearful about what the future will hold. Maybe you are battling with infertility, and your heart yearns and breaks all at the same time on this day.  

For me, this holiday is different than ever before. It is difficult to have all these emotions stirred up.  I know I am not alone; many of you are experiencing pain on this day from past wounds. Many of you have wounds that are far more difficult than mine. My heart goes out to you.

Dear sweet sister and friend, whatever hurt this holiday may bring back to you, know this: you have a great High Priest who bears your grief and pain. You do not have to bear it alone. Others may not know what you are going through, but Jesus does.  I am praying for you today.

Surely our griefs He himself bore, and our sorrows He carried; yet we ourselves esteemed Him stricken, smitten of God and afflicted. (Isaiah 53:4).

For the Sake of Steadfastness

James 1: 2-4 Count is all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

I had plans to blog after our doctor’s appointment on Monday (November 8), but I had no idea that I would be sharing sad news. And, I must say, I am not sure how to even begin to blog about this, but I know that I should.

I have meditated on the above scripture and others like it to find strength.  Before I continue, I will acknowledge the danger in using this passage in James to speak to my trails, when these Christians were facing actual persecution for their faith, not just the trails of everyday life. I do not wish to rip this text out of context, or to elevate my situation to the trial of persecution. However, I believe that we can glean truth from this passage about facing those life-trials.

Monday, November 8, Stephen and I were to go back to the doctor for a regularly scheduled appointment. I was 10 weeks pregnant. However, Monday morning I started experiencing some concerning symptoms. I called the doctor’s office and they encouraged me not to worry, they could be perfectly normal. That advice and the statistic that only 5% of pregnancies experience miscarriage after hearing a heartbeat calmed my nerves. (We saw and heard a heartbeat at our first appointment.) However, when we got into the ultrasound room and they began to look for the baby, they asked me to go empty my bladder, because they could not see past it. When I returned to the ultrasound room, my face was streaked with tears; I knew something was wrong. As they continued the ultra sound, and looked for the baby, their silence and grim expressions began to confirm my fears. I could see the still shadow of my baby, no heartbeat and much smaller than it should have been.  They told me that the baby had not developed past 7 weeks and there was no heartbeat. The symptoms I had experienced were my body beginning to miscarry.

They left us alone in the room for a few moments and my wonderful husband prayed over me. He thanked God for being good and gracious and asked him for strength.  I took this news much harder than I would have imagined. I did not realize that I would actually grieve so strongly.

As I sit here today, I am not trying to act like this is not a big deal, because it is. I am not trying to act like it does not hurt because it does, immensely. But, I am trying to remember as James says, “The testing of your faith produces steadfastness.”  Steadfastness is perseverance.  Trials teach us how to persevere and perseverance actually matures our faith.  Steadfast faith is faith that does not give up, is not shaken, and is strong enough to stand by others as they suffer. I have to want what God has for me more than anything else, even a child. God wants to produce in me steadfast faith, and he uses trails to do so.

I am grateful that God does not spare me from heartache. It is through this heartache that my faith is made steadfast. It is through this heartache that I learn how to better minister to hurting people. It is through this heartache that I learn to lean on God’s strength.

So, here I find myself, broken, empty, lonely, confused, and grief-stricken, all for the sake of steadfastness. And, because I know my God has a plan, I would not have it any other way, for the sake of steadfastness.

Parenthood.

Stephen and I found out on September 27,  2010, that we had been blessed with a baby.  Of course, that positive pregnancy test stirred up all kinds of emotions in these first-time parents.  On Monday, October 11, we had our first doctor’s appointment. I had no idea what to expect, but I thought I had things figured out pretty well. When I was asked what hospital we would use and what pediatrician we would use, I started to cry, realizing that there was so much I don’t have a clue about! Yikes.  But, then I reminded myself I still have some time to make these decisions. Whew!

 At that appointment I thought we would just get to see a little spec on the screen that was our baby. However, as we looked closer at that “spec” we could see his/her tiny little heart beating. It looked like a small spot that was flashing black then white.  We couldn’t stop smiling, it was too cool! Then the doctor worked very hard to pinpoint the sound, and we were even able to hear a couple beats every now and then.  Suddenly, the fact that we are having a baby became so real!

 Just after I found out I was pregnant, I came across a prayer I had written almost exactly a year ago. A year ago I wrote this, when we were NOT thinking about having kids. I had completely forgotten about it, but when I was searching for some material for my Sunday School class, I came across it.  I know God brought me back to this prayer at this time for a reason (just read the second to last sentence). This was and still is my prayer for parenthood:

“Dear God,

I have often wondered when the right time to have children would be. Please show me your timing. God, I pray that when I do have kids, I would be more concerned about them living a life that is pleasing to you than I am about their happiness, security, comfort, prosperity, education, success and any other thing I may ask you for. God, give me this heart for raising our children. Help me be a light that shines the Gospel and prepare me for parenthood. Lord, remind me of these desires when I become a parent. Please help me remain strong! Amen.”