Running while Pregnant

I finished a 5 mile run this morning with my favorite running partner. It was wonderful.

My average pace of 11:53 min/mile is a far cry from my pre-pregnancy pace of around 9:30 min/mile.  But, I am totally ok with that. I just want to run.

My running partner.

My running addiction started sometime in high school. While my frequency, intensity, and dedication has waxed and waned over the years, my love for this hobby has not.  I am honestly addicted.  Perhaps it is the release of endorphins or the sense of accomplishment that makes it impossible to imagine a life without running.

I am blessed that my husband, midwife, and obstetrician are supportive of me running during pregnancy. In fact, the doctor and midwife encouraged me to continue, despite my history of miscarriage. I did mostly brisk walking up until about 9 weeks, the point in which I had passed my previous miscarriage risks. After that, I was told, "Go for it, but just listen to your body."


Right now, those I see on my route can't tell I am pregnant by looking at me. But, I am anticipating the stares I will get as my belly begins to grow.

Of course, many well-intentioned individuals have advised me that I should "just walk." They don't bother me; I know they mean well. And, I realize I seem a bit crazy to be so adamant about continuing running, especially with my history. But, I knew exercise was not causing my miscarriages; I did not run during those pregnancies. I also knew that I wanted to enjoy as normal of a pregnancy as possible instead of one filled with worry and anxiety.

Research regarding running while pregnant shows interesting benefits:

• Mom is healthier
• Reduces preterm delivery
• Reduces pregnancy symptoms like nausea, back pain and swelling
• Shorter labor and fewer delivery complications, including C-sections
• Increased placental efficiency
• Increase newborn ability to self-soothe 
• Greater fetal activity, which is linked to quicker development of oral language skills.

Don't worry, I have no performance goals for running while pregnant. I am not trying to improve my time or distance.  I am not training for a  race (though, I wouldn't be opposed to one, for fun, of course). I will walk if I feel winded.

My only goal is to keep lacing up my running shoes for as long as I am able. I believe my body, health, sanity, and baby will benefit.

Boy or Girl?

It only takes about 5 seconds after finding out that I am pregnant for the next question to be asked.

"Do you know what you are having yet?" 

I respond, "No, we are not finding out."

It is amazing the emotion this stirs up in the other person. Some people are super excited, but some seem almost defensive about our decision. 


The most common response is, "Oh, I could NEVER do that; I am too much of a planner." 


Yeah, me too, sister. Believe me, me too.

So, why is this planner with perfectionistic tendencies not finding out the sex of their child? Before I share the reasons, let me be clear,  I am NOT saying finding out or not finding out is a right/wrong decision. I believe it is perfectly wonderful for parents to find out!  These are just mine and Stephen's personal thoughts, and reasons for our decision..... 

1. Our journey to this pregnancy was one in which God has taught us to fully rely on His sovereignty. We have learned to be content were we are instead of fretting about our plans and our timing. It just seems that not finding out will help me embrace this lesson to an even greater level. I believe it will help me fight my temptation to stress over having everything "perfectly planned."

2. I think that not knowing our baby's sex will help me fight of the materialistic temptation to buy more than what we need. The cute boy or girl outfits don't call my name when I go to the store. I  am thinking more about buying the things we need rather than the cutesy stuff. I am not saying it is wrong to buy cutesy things; I am sure I will at some point. However, we have decided to become more frugal over the next few months and that means needs trump wants.

3. Lord willing, we would love to have a BIG family. Unisex equipment and clothes will be much easier to hand down from one child to the next.

4. We have opted for a natural water birth. (Did your eyes just bulge?) In the midst of labor, I think it would be a motivation to anticipate wether I will meet my son or my daughter. 

5. It appeals to me to have either Stephen or myself announce the sex. I think it would be much more exciting for us to be the first to say, "It's a __________, "  than to hear the ultrasound tech say it.

6. If we were to find out, I would want to have a reveal party. However, with our family living so far away it is highly unlikely that all of them could be here for it.

I will admit, it is hard. Really hard. I really want to know.  I want to say "he" or "she" instead of "the baby." I want to call baby Powell by name.  But, I really think it will be exciting and rewarding if we stick to our plan. Hopefully, our resolve will remain strong!

By the way,  feel free to offer your guesses! I honestly have no clue.

13 Weeks

I am back after a wonderful and much needed 3-week break from social networking. And, of course, it is time to update.

We have passed the 13-week mark. Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

4-5-12  12weeks 3days

4-5-12 12weeks 3 days

Easter. 12weeks 6days.

Everything is going well. I am feeling good now and even back to running (moderately). I have gained 3 pounds, but I think it looks like more.

We are starting to feel more comfortable dreaming about nurseries and names.

By His Grace

We were blessed to be able to have a sneak peek at baby Powell today. Here he/she is at 9 weeks 4 days.

It's funny, I thought I would have be many words to write, but I am almost speechless. Of course, the first thing I said was, "God is good."  But, I wonder if that is the right thing to say?  I mean, yes, God is good - infinitely so! But, I want to be careful about saying God is good just because something I want has happened. That is not what makes Him good. He's not good because I have a healthy pregnancy.  He is good because He is God. He was just as good 6 months ago during the third miscarriage as he is today when I sat in the doctor's office and heard a heartbeat.  He hasn't changed; He is good and sovereign in all things.  Not just now, not just today, but always.

However, this pregnancy has shown me just how gracious God is. There is nothing about mine or Stephen's depraved selves that deserve the blessing of a child.  Yet God, in his wisdom and by his overwhelming grace, has made it so, thus far. At each sonogram and wave of nausea, I am reminded that it it by the grace of God that we are here.  I am completely underserving, but so grateful. I know I don't deserve to be blessed like this. So, tonight I am praising God for his sweet grace. It is by His grace that we are celebrating a healthy baby at 9 weeks and 4 days. To God be the glory.

A Beautiful Sound

We heard the beautiful sound of our baby's heartbeat at our appointment on Thursday. With each passing day, I feel more hopeful. I am letting myself start to plan and dream about this little one.

According to the ultrasound, baby Powell measured 6 weeks and 5 days, when, by the calendar, he/she should be 7 weeks 3 days.  However, I know the more important thing is that there was good growth from last week to this week, and I know a strong heartbeat is a good sign.

After the appointment, Stephen and I went for lunch together. At random moments one of us would mimic the sound of the heartbeat, "Ba....thump. Ba......thump. Ba....thump." We would break into huge grins all over again. We are blessed to be this far.

Our baby's  heartbeat: a beautiful sound!  To God be the glory.

Thank You

Tomorrow is the “big day.” Tomorrow’s ultrasound will (hopefully) provide tangible evidence that this pregnancy is different from my previous three.  I have never been past 7 weeks pregnant and had things measuring where they are supposed to be. In previous pregnancies growth slowed or stopped around 6 weeks, even though I carried two of the pregnancies longer.

I am excited because I feel very much pregnant.  No disappearing symptoms as in previous pregnancies.  But, there is a constant nagging nausea. Yay!  And, I am not kidding when I say it makes me smile. 

I must admit, I was so nervous about making my last post. I know it seems silly for someone with my history to share their news so early.  But, I am so grateful to know that so many are praying. It is an absolute blessing. I do not take your prayers for granted.

Thank you for all your kind words, encouragement and prayers. You have truly blessed me!

Trusting the Giver of Life

Since seeing two pink lines about 3 weeks ago, I have been debating about when and how to write this blog post. I know that hearing someone say, “I am pregnant,”  is painful for many.  So, for those of you who cannot continue reading this post, I totally get it. I have been there, and I am sorry for your pain. 

I began blogging with the intent to be open and candid about what is going on in my life, so, I just can’t do the secrecy thing. I want to celebrate this little life no matter what happens. So, here I am, almost 7 weeks pregnant which will be the farthest any of my pregnancies have made it, developmentally.

Praise God for his grace!

As soon as I got the positive pregnancy test, I began giving myself heparin shots twice per day. This is based on the theory that some women develop clots that interfere with the blood flow to the baby and cause miscarriage. I did not technically test positive for this, but tested "high-normal." My doctor was honest and told me he was not sure this is what caused my losses, but it was worth a try. In addition, I continue to take 81 mg of aspirin daily, my thyroid meds were increase by 50%, and I was put on promethium (progesterone). 

Thursday, we had our first ultrasound. Everything looked great for being 6 weeks 3 days pregnant. We even saw a flicker of a heartbeat. I will return to  the doctor this Thursday for another ultrasound to confirm that the baby has continued to develop past the “7-week milestone.” After that, I will be released to my regular OBGYN.

We are prayerful, excited, hopeful, but, most of all, blessed. I praise God for every little wave of nausea which tells me, that for right this minute, I am still pregnant. I am very optimistic, but no matter what happens, I am grateful to God for trusting us with this little life, whether it be for a couple weeks or a couple decades. I trust God's sovereign plan for this pregnancy.

Each day, I remind myself:

More than medicine, I am trusting the giver of life.

What the Doctor Says

Monday, I went to my RE (reproductive endocrinologist) for a hysteroscopy. This is a procedure in which they use a scope to look for any abnormalities in the uterus.

The RE said everything looks "beautiful." He was looking for any abnormalities that could be to blame for my repeated miscarriages. But, everything was perfect.  I was glad everything was normal. I did not fancy the idea of having a corrective surgery, should something been found to be wrong.

After the test, the RE talked to us about doing a progesterone test. He also said that nothing he has seen thus far has fully explained the lost pregnancies. This news illicited some strange feelings within me. I almost wanted something to be "wrong" so that I would have an answer. If something were wrong we could fix it, and know it was fixed.

But, I had to remind myself that God does't owe me answers. In fact, God owes me nothing, but I owe him faith, obedience, and praise. I owe him everything.

I am blessed to be healthy. I am grateful to be a daughter of the King. I know that His plan is all about bringing Him glory, whether I get "good enough" answers or not. I praise God for using my silly self for His glory.

Grief Regrets

I wish I had done things differently.

I wish I had grieved differently.

When we had our first miscarriage, I hung on to our ultrasound pictures for a about a month. Then, I threw them away. I did not make it far enough in the second pregnancy to have any pictures. I threw away the ultrasound pictures from the third pregnancy on the same day the miscarriage was confirmed. I thought, "I am not going to be the weirdo who holds on to the pictures of her dead babies." I regret that now. I wish I was that weirdo.

For some reason, today, I yearned to look at those pictures, to reminisce and to validate those pregnancies and those little lives.

I wish I could go back to my first Facebook pregnancy post and read all the comments that were filled with excitement and encouragement. But, I deleted those too.

I don't know why I thought I needed to purge the pictures and Facebook statuses. People don't throw away pictures of their parents after they die. Parents don't throw away pictures of their child if it passes away at the age of one. Suddenly, it seems I am the wierdo for throwing those pictures away.

But, it is not really about the pictures. Having those pictures would not change anything, but they are symbolic of how I tried to deal with my losses. I tried to "toss" them out of my mind and start over. But, there is no such thing as starting over. God ordained for me to lose those pregnancies and, therefore, ordained for that to be a part of my story.  Even if I start a new chapter, those chapters of loss will still be a part of the book that is my life.

I now see that I put too much pressure on myself to "get over it." I expected too much of myself.  I regret not embracing the grief.

I still struggle with this, because even as I started to write this blog, I almost talked myself out of it saying, "Don't write about the miscarriages AGAIN. Your readers will think you are pathetic, and that you should be over it by now." The truth is, I am pathetic. I may be over it, but I will never forget.

So, for those of you dealing with grief of any kind: don't make my mistake of trying to force yourself to get over it. You are human. Grief is human. Don't try to run away from grief, it will eventually catch up with you anyway.

Today, I was ready to reminisce, not grieve, over the happiness of positive pregnancy tests and expecting. I was ready to remember all the plans that we made and the naive excitement Stephen and I shared. I had no saved ultrasound pictures or Facebook posts to help me reminisce, but I did find one picture, taken 3 days after my first ever positive test.

I remember. We were ecstatic to be parents. It was wonderful.

Thankful

We have had a wonderful Thanksgiving visit with my mother-in-law. We have spent the week in the absolutely beautiful north Georgia mountains. 

Pictures from the front porch!

Stephen has three very young half-siblings (Noah 9, Leah 6, and Samuel 5). 

We were so blessed to get to spend time with them this week. We even got to go to Samuel and Leah’s basketball game on Tuesday night.  However, I am pretty sure the kids were more excited to see Oscar than us....

Samuel and Oscar

Noah and Oscar

I know my husband hates that we live so far away from them. He wishes he could be more involved in their lives.

Stephen and Leah enjoying some pumpkin pie.

As I have watched my husband interact with them this week, it makes my heart swell. He has been so intentional about sharing the Gospel with them. I have watched him explain sin and its penalty, the holiness of God, and the provision made in Christ. Even though they have not been receptive, it was beautiful. In addition, he led us in a time of family worship on Thanksgiving day. 

So, as I count my blessings this Thanksgiving, I am so thankful for my husband and my marriage. It is awesome to see my husband passionate about the gospel and worship leading off of the stage. As I watched him this week, I can’t help but think of this as a preview of what is to come when we have children. I know he will strive to make the gospel the center of his parenting. I absolutley cannot wait to raise children with this man. 

The whole gang.

Taming the Troublesome Thyroid

After six weeks of medication, my TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) levels are PERFECT.

My TSH is 1.15 down from 3.35, which it measured 6 weeks ago.  

In case you don't know much about thyroid hormones and TSH, the lower the TSH number the better the thyroid is working. The body produces TSH to "beg" for more thyroid hormone to be produced. So, you could say it is an "inverse" indicator of how well your body is producing thyroid hormones. My doctor (RE) wanted my level to be below 2.5, but from what I have read, the closer your TSH is to 1, the less your chance for miscarriage.

This was such an easy test. I can't help but wonder why my regular doctor never checked it. Thyroid hormone is necessary for maintaining a healthy pregnancy. This hormone not only helps sustain a pregnancy, but is also important for the neurological development of the baby. Studies have found that even women who carry their babies to term with a shortage of thyroid hormone were more likely to have babies with low IQ. In addition, high TSH levels have also been linked to difficulty conceiving.

In addition, most doctors will say you are in the "normal range" if your TSH levels are somewhere between 0.5-5.0. However, endocrinologists agree that the maximum level should actually be 3.0. My levels were between the two, and perhaps why this was not caught earlier. My TSH, at 3.35, was within what a regular doctor would consider normal, but above the newer guidelines. 

I am grateful for one piece of the puzzle being put into place. Plus, I feel so much better! Before, I could sleep 12 hours and yet it would be all I could do to drag myself out of the bed. I was feeling depressed and crying ALL THE TIME. I just attributed all this to grief, but now I believe it was related to my thyroid issues. Since starting the meds, I have more energy and feel much better. 

It is interesting how this whole process has taught me to take charge of my health. I have learned to research, learn and be a part of my healthcare. I encourage you to do the same!

No Guarantee

Today, I had my blood re-drawn for a thyroid test. This test will reveal if my thyroid medication is sufficient, or if my dosage needs to be adjusted.

I have been eager to get to the day that we can try to conceive again. Especially eager, since it seems I am surrounded by positive pregnancy tests, big bellies, and precious babies EVERYWHERE. (Hello, miscarriage and infertility phenomenon.) I just can't wait to join all you moms and moms-to-be! However, today, my eagerness to try again, was replaced with some apprehension.

As the lab tech drew my blood, and I told her about all my test results, it hit me: there are no guarantees.

I have not gotten the impression from my doctor that they have "found it."  There hasn't been one specific test result to which they said, "Oh, no wonder you miscarried! This is it; this will fix it."  Instead, it has been results of borderline issues, which, if controlled, could decrease my chance of miscarrying some.  Now, don't get me wrong, I am excited about this. I am blessed that they have found some things to try, because I know some individuals get no answers.  I am optimistic about our next pregnancy. But, still, I realize that there is no guarantee that my pregnancies from here on will be perfect.  

So, I wonder if the vitamins, baby aspirin, levothyroxine, progesterone, and heparin shots will be enough? 

I realize I must sound like a worry-wort. Honestly, I don't know if it is worry, or just coming to terms with the truth. I think these thoughts are probably normal for someone who has had multiple miscarriages. It is also possible I am just weird.

I am a thinker. As such, I tend to think about these scenarios. How will I respond? How will I cope? This is how I put my theology to the test. Will I trust God knowing that there is no guarantee?

As I think these thoughts and ask these questions, I find myself coming to a place of peace. I trust my sovereign God. I don't have to worry because His plans (whatever they may be) will not be thwarted. I am ready for whatever the future holds, not because I am strong, but because my God is.

The Test Results

The test results are in! So, here's an update of what we know so far:

Thyriod: Slightly hypothyroid, began thyroid medication.

Prolactin: Normal

Genetic Karyotype (mine): Normal

Genetic Karyotype (Stephen's): Normal

Phospholipid Antibodies (causing clotting): High normal. Doctor wants me to start heparin injections upon conceiving to prevent any clotting.

So, that is where we are now. I am still waiting to have the hysterosonography. My thyroid levels will be tested again in about 4 weeks to see if my levels are "optimal."

Thanks for all the prayers.