Today, I had my blood re-drawn for a thyroid test. This test will reveal if my thyroid medication is sufficient, or if my dosage needs to be adjusted.
I have been eager to get to the day that we can try to conceive again. Especially eager, since it seems I am surrounded by positive pregnancy tests, big bellies, and precious babies EVERYWHERE. (Hello, miscarriage and infertility phenomenon.) I just can't wait to join all you moms and moms-to-be! However, today, my eagerness to try again, was replaced with some apprehension.
As the lab tech drew my blood, and I told her about all my test results, it hit me: there are no guarantees.
I have not gotten the impression from my doctor that they have "found it." There hasn't been one specific test result to which they said, "Oh, no wonder you miscarried! This is it; this will fix it." Instead, it has been results of borderline issues, which, if controlled, could decrease my chance of miscarrying some. Now, don't get me wrong, I am excited about this. I am blessed that they have found some things to try, because I know some individuals get no answers. I am optimistic about our next pregnancy. But, still, I realize that there is no guarantee that my pregnancies from here on will be perfect.
So, I wonder if the vitamins, baby aspirin, levothyroxine, progesterone, and heparin shots will be enough?
I realize I must sound like a worry-wort. Honestly, I don't know if it is worry, or just coming to terms with the truth. I think these thoughts are probably normal for someone who has had multiple miscarriages. It is also possible I am just weird.
I am a thinker. As such, I tend to think about these scenarios. How will I respond? How will I cope? This is how I put my theology to the test. Will I trust God knowing that there is no guarantee?
As I think these thoughts and ask these questions, I find myself coming to a place of peace. I trust my sovereign God. I don't have to worry because His plans (whatever they may be) will not be thwarted. I am ready for whatever the future holds, not because I am strong, but because my God is.