God is Sovereign Still

I have debated about writing this blog, or, more specifically, how to write this blog.  During the past few weeks, I have searched for others who have wrote similar blogs and found encouragement from their stories. So, I write this hoping that someone may be encouraged, but praying, above all, that God will be glorified.

This has been a difficult year. Last September, Stephen and I decided to start a family. We conceived immediately, but lost the pregnancy in November.  We waited several months before trying again. When we did, we had a very early miscarriage, what the doctors call a chemical pregnancy  (a miscarriage before anything could have been confirmed on a sonogram).  So, we tried again. We conceived in July, and are going through another miscarriage.

This one has been physically and emotionally draining. We have been through a couple weeks where we were back and forth between “we are losing it” to “it’s going to make it.” The waiting has been difficult. This morning, the doctor confirmed that a miscarriage is “impending.”

Of course, this has been difficult for us. Grieving a miscarriage is a very lonely place. And now, I find my head swimming with questions: Will this continue to happen over and over again?  Will I ever be able to carry a baby?  How many miscarriages will I be able to take physically and emotionally? Will I get to experience the joy and excitement of expecting, or will I constantly guard my heart for fear of getting “too attached?”

I realize there are many people who have experienced much worse than this. I have read stories of miscarriages numbering 6 and higher, or the loss of pregnancies in the 2^nd or 3^rd trimester. I can’t even imagine. We are blessed our experience has not been worse. Still, it is tough.

I never fathomed this struggle would be a part of my life, but God has used it to teach me so much. I have come to realize the self-righteous thinking that is lurking in my heart. I have learned God’s grace doesn’t show favor and it cannot be earned. 

So, this has been a very humbling experience for me. I find myself praying for God’s grace and mercy, instead of expecting it. As I look at others who are pregnant, or who have children, I repent of my jealousy and envy and praise God for his grace in their lives that he has allowed them to have healthy children and pregnancies. I am still VERY much a work in progress. God is still growing my faith in this area, and I have not “arrived” yet.

A week or so ago, someone told me, “I hope that one day you will get to stand and say how good and faithful God is.”  They implied that I would carry a pregnancy to full term, have a healthy child, and thus proclaim that God is good. When they said this, I wanted to respond, but couldn’t get it out for the tears, so I will say it now:

God is good. Today. Right now. He doesn’t have to bless me to be good. He is.

A few days later I heard, “God is good, and when it seems he isn’t it is because He is GREAT.”

It isn't easy. But, I am clinging to the truth that God is sovereign still. I know He is good. I don’t understand why or how, but I know all of this is for His glory.

Please, Lord, use me for your glory.