Sunday, March 27, 2011

Biggest Insecurity

I can’t sing, and I am married to a worship pastor.  While it is easy to say that a music minister’s wife is not expected to be “musical,” the zillions of times I have been asked, “Do you sing?” or “Do you play the piano?” reveal that there is at least a small expectation that I, as the wife of “the music guy,” must also have a talent for making melody. But, I don’t. And this is my biggest insecurity.
Now, you may be thinking, don’t you sing in the choir? You are correct, but believe me if it were an auditioned group I would be the first to be “cut.” I only sometimes hit correct notes and I sing a little of every part. Don’t believe me? Well, just ask the poor souls who have to sit by me each week.
Sarcastic joking aside, this is an area of insecurity and envy that I have fought for a long while. Even though I am not musically talented, I love music. I love to sing. But, no matter how hard I try, I am just not good at it. I took guitar for a semester in college. I just couldn’t get it.  Even as a little girl, I remember my mom trying to teach me a few things on the piano, but it never clicked.
When we were first married, I said things to Stephen like, “I bet you which you had a wife that you could sing duets with.” He looked at me like I had three heads, as if that idea never crossed his mind. But, the enemy sure had me convinced otherwise.
All of this insecurity reached a peak a few months ago when I got “that question” once again.  A well-meaning individual approached me after church and asked, “When are you and Stephen going to sing a special together?” As I am used to doing, I smiled and told her I didn’t sing very well.  But she continued, “Oh I bet you do! I really want to see you two sing together.” Once again, I tried to convince her that I was not blessed with that gift. She would not let up. Stephen had walked up during this discussion, so she turned to him and said, “I bet she sings beautifully, doesn’t she?”  I felt the blood rush to my face and my eyes start to burn with tears.  Stephen paused awkwardly for a moment, and I think the woman realized her mistake.  He responded, “My wife sings from her heart.”
I went home and cried. I listened to the enemy tell me I wasn’t good enough and that I was an embarrassment to my husband. I vented a lot of anger towards God, asking things like, “Why did you make me this way?”, or “Why can’t I sing like so-and-so?”  I pleaded with God to just give me some sort of musical talent, and I promised that if he did I would use it to bring him glory!
God really used the story of Moses to grow me out of this funk.  When God spoke to Moses at the burning bush, Moses offered up a list of excuses why he couldn’t do the task. Moses’ last excuse was, “Oh, my Lord, I am not eloquent, either in the past or since you have spoken to your servant, but I am slow of speech and of tongue." Moses was telling God that there was something wrong with the way he talked, much as I had complained about my singing.  God responded, “Who has made man's mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the LORD?” 
I was humbled. I realized that my attitude was totally sinful. I was saying that God did not know what he was doing creating me the way I am. Repentance was in order. So I confessed my sinful attitude and asked God to transform my mind in this matter.
God revealed to me that our singing is less about how we sound and more about who HE is. I know now that God is not concerned with how our sacrifices appear to men, but is concerned with the condition of our heart when we give our offering. I know now that my husband never had a duet-partner on his “What I want in a Wife List.” I know now that God has a place and a plan for me, and my voice!
So, here I am, saying so-long to this insecurity. I will sing anyway. My security is not in what my voice sounds like; my security is in the Grace, Mercy and Awesomeness of our God. HE is the reason that I sing.

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