Words of Wisdom for the Wife-to-Be

Recently, I got this text from my man...

This question came from two Christian women he works with. I am so encouraged that they are asking this, and wish I had been as wise!

As you can tell from my response, I wanted to say much more than a text would suffice. I have spent a week two weeks contemplating procrastinating my response. In that time, I thought of many, many, many things I could say. I have learned MUCH through my many mistakes! I thought about doing a top three. Then a top ten. Then a list of 25. I finally settled on just sharing what has been the most important thing I have learned. The thing I wish someone had encouraged me to do. The thing that has benefited our marriage the most since using the advice.

Find a Godly, older wife to disciple you.

No kudos to me for this advice.  It comes straight from Titus 2.

It is so easy for us to think that we don't need someone to disciple us. When we first got married, I thought, "I am going to read the Bible; I understand the Gospel; I know what a wife should be; I should be able do it on my own." Right? Wrong.

This is not me JUST saying the typical "marriage is hard." I am saying more than that: your sinful desires will make it so difficult to submit to your husband in a God-honoring way that you will think you are doing "pretty good" when in fact your submission is only motivated by your sin!

And, there is nothing in the Bible that even hints that we are supposed to do the Christian life autonomously.  We are supposed to "spur" one another on - encourage, exhort, and disciple one another. But, this advice was so hard for me to practice early on... I was too prideful to admit that I needed help like this.

So, what does this look like?

Well, I think it looks less like a mentoring "program." Less like going up to someone and saying, "Hey, will you disciple me?" (Although there is nothing wrong with these.) I think it looks more like a Biblical, natural friendship. I have found that a more natural approach has yielded so much more fruit! Instead of finding someone to do a book study with, maybe find someone you can spend time with just doing life - watching, learning, and talking.

So, what should this woman be like?

Well, first she should be sinful. Why did I list this first? I say this because in our quest to be discipled there is a temptation to think that there is no one sanctified enough to teach us. OUCH. I have been there. Hello, pride. Except I said it this way, "There is no one whose marriage I want to ours to be like." Oh the sinfulness! So, don't assume you can't learn anything from someone just because you don't want to be just like them - because they are sinful. As we look to others for discipleship we are still desiring to be conformed to Jesus, not them. So, as you read the rest of this list, remember all women are sinful and won't be perfect! Show them grace.

She must have evidence of sanctification in her life. She is not in habitual, unrepentant sin. She is quick to confess her sins against you, others, and especially God. She is reading the Word. She is attempting to live it.

She bases advice on the Word of God. She shares scripture with you. She would tell you something you don't want to hear because it is in align with the word of God.

She tells you to pray about something before she offers her opinion.

She is quick to listen and slow to speak.

She prioritizes her God over her husband and her husband over her children.

She NEVER, EVER suggests you undermine your man.

She doesn't speak ill of her man.

She is older and more experienced.

The Bible says that women like this are hard to find - Proverbs 31:10. So, don't be discouraged if it is hard to find her. But, don't give up. And, don't assume you'd be better off not having a mentor.

Once you have found a woman who you want to learn from be friends with her. Spend time with her (but, not more time than you spend with your man). Watch how she relates to her husband and her children. Watch how she cares for her home. Ask questions. Minister to her. Pray for her.

Remember, she is sinful, just like you. Her advice should be filtered through the Word and prayed over. Don't let her become an idol. Don't be a relationship leech, either. Give back to her.

This is the wisdom I wish I had known early in our marriage. I believe this is the best advice I could give any wife-to-be or even wife-already. Oh, how I pray each of you finds a Godly woman to disciple you.

To all the women who have discipled me. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You have given so much to me, my husband, my child, and my future children!

What would be the wisdom you would share with a wife-to-be?

6 months

And, we have a 6 month old!

Suddenly, it doesn't seem like we have a baby anymore. He is beginning to act so much more grown up these days. He wants to grab and explore everything. He gets upset if we take or move something that he wants to hold. He does things to try and get people's attention. He smiles at people when they talk to him.

I am loving this age!

There have been many changes since my 5th month update! First, Jude no longer has a pacifier. I always hated the thing; we took it cold turkey the week he turned 5 months old. Also, naps have MAJORLY improved due to "nap training." (I plan to write a separate post about that endeavor!) He is sitting up like a pro! I can leave him for a long period of time sitting up on his own. He has two little bumps on his bottom gums where his teeth are beginning to come in. I can feel his left one. He also has begun to eat and enjoy solid foods; so far, he has eaten banana, avocado, sweet potato, carrots and oatmeal. He is physically capable of rolling over, but chooses not to do so. Oscar is still the most interesting thing in the house, and for now, Oscar thinks Jude is pretty cool, too. Unfortunately, Jude is determined to "taste" Oscar (see picture below)...

Jude and I went to the beach on Friday, which was his actual six month birthday. He loved it. He played in the sand and tried to eat it. He watched all the people, dogs, and seagulls. He even took a nap on the beach. We had a blast, but I had a major mommy fail.  When I lathered him up with sunscreen, I tried not to get it in his eyes. This resulted in him getting sunburnt in two circles around his eyes. It looked terrible!  Thankfully, it looked much better the next morning, and it did not seem to bother him.

Stephen and I have thoroughly enjoyed the last month. We look forward to the milestones in next.

Good Friday

Today, there are many facebook statuses and tweets about the crucifixion.  Praise God, there are people who are purposefully thinking about this day, what happened on this day, and what it means.

Source.

However, I can't help but notice that so many of these updates are man-centered.

Things like:

He thought of me above all.

I am worth it.

I am someone worth dying for.

We are tempted to make everything about us. Yes, I praise God that I get to have a part in the story of redemption!  But, I also praise God that Jesus' death was not [primarily] about me.  I was not his motivation. Humans were not his motivation. There is nothing about us worthy of Christ climbing that hill.

He did not think of me above all; He thought of the Glory of the Father.

He did not think I was worth it; He knew God's glory was infinitely worth it.

I am not someone worth dying for; I am desperately wicked.

Did Christ die for us? Yes! The Bible says, "While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us" Romans 5:8. But, when Jesus prayed on the Mount of Olives he said, "Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours be done." (Luke 22:42)  His focus  was the Father.

He died for the Glory of the Father. He died so that God could be glorified through the magnificent story of utterly depraved humans being saved by His grace.  

He did not die to give us positive self-esteem. We shouldn't look at the cross and think, "I am worth it." Instead, we should meditate on the disparity of our sinfulness that it would cost so much to redeem. We should humbly marvel that God would allow us to be a part of that redemption.

So, let us be careful with how we talk of the crucifix. It is not primarily about us. It is first about the glory of God. I praise God that he would allow me to be a part of His glory through the story of redemption. I don't deserve it; I am not someone worth Christ's death. 

Click to read Good Friday thoughts from 2012.

Five Months

This guy has been with us for 5 months. I can't believe it.

I think back to when I was 5 months pregnant. I was barely showing. Strangers were JUST starting to notice. Even then, they were rarely brave enought to ask. I didn't feel like I had been pregnant for long.

But, I feel like I have been a mama forever. Five months with our son has felt like a lifetime. You know what parents say, "I can't remember life before our little one?" It's true! It seems like I have been his mom so much longer than 5 months.

At the same time, these five months have been a whirlwind. Already, I am forgetting what he was like as a itty bitty newborn. Remembering him then is made more difficult by the fact that he is a big boy. Yes, I am the mom who often gets told things like, "He's only 5 months? He's a big boy. He's gunna be a line backer!" And, I totally dig having a "big" boy. He is wearing 9 and 12 month clothes!

He is not really interested in rolling over, but is starting to sit up. I think he's not rolling over because his personality is so content. He's kinda like, "Oh that toy is out of my reach? Oh well, I will just look at it and talk to it, no big deal. No need to expend extra energy to roll towards it."

Naps continue to be my nemesis  He still takes 30 minute naps. 30 minutes. Thats it. Because they are so short he has a really hard time making it until bedtime. He gets a bit grumpy in the afternoon. This makes me feel as if I am ALWAYS either trying to get him down for a nap, or get him back to sleep at the end of a short nap (which does not usually happen). This all started around 2-3 months. Once in a while, for no apparent reason he will take a longer nap. But, this is so random and rare that I can't figure out the trick. And, I have tried EVERYTHING. No Joke. Everything. Twice.

He may take pitiful naps, but he does so awesome at night. He sleeps for 12 hours straight. Seriously. He started sleeping 8-10 hours straight around two months, then lengthened it to 10-12 hours around 3 months and has pretty much kept doing 12 (sometimes 13) since 4 months. Oh, the bliss!

So, perhaps the catnapping is related to him sleeping so much at night or maybe it is  just a phase. Other moms who I have talked to who's babies slept 12+ hours at night report their little ones did the same thing and say it levels out around 9 months. So, looks like we might have 4 more months of this catnapping stuff. Which means I need to figure out how to deal, ASAP.

Jude is not yet eating solid foods regularly. He's still pretty much only eating breastmilk. Out of curiosity, we have given him a little avocado, sweet potato and a taste of banana. We have decided to follow the baby-led weaning (AKA baby-led solids) approach. We know so many parents who have done this and have kids that are super awesome (read: not picky!) eaters. We will begin Jude with sweet potatoes, avocados  and other fruits/veggies he can handle in the next month or so as he begins to show interest in food, looses his tongue thrust reflex, and can feed himself. We do not plan on buying baby food or making purees, but giving him foods that he can manage in their natural form.

Jude has not yet had any immunizations.  It's not that we are totally opposed to shots, but he had a virus at his 2 month appointment, so he did not start them then. Then other things happened, so we put them off. Basically, its a long, boring, drawn out ordeal, but he should begin to get (some of) them at 6 months. I dread that.

I love being the momma of a 5 month old. I love seeing him take in things and learn! I love the open mouthed kisses, belly laughs, happy dance (when he flails his arms and legs with excitement), reaching for and shaking objects that intrigue him, and that he enjoys independent play time.

Most days, I love, love, love being a momma though there is the ocasional meltdown day. I am so blessed to have a husband who is so patient, understanding, encouraging when I have those days. I am one blessed gal.

So, here we are. The parents of a cute 5 month old! I wouldn't trade it for anything.

The Sin of Discontentment

It is easy to feel discontent. After all, we live in a culture that thinks no one should feel unhappy with their lot, or if they are, they are entitled to change it (or have it changed for them - but I digress). More than that, it is a part of our (sinful) nature to think that we deserve contentment with our circumstances and to make our own contentment in things or events an idol. I am guilty.

This struggle comes in may forms:

I am discontent with this job; I quit.

I am discontent with this house. Hello, mortgage I can't actually afford.

I am discontent with my body. Know a good plastic surgeon?

I am discontent, but it will be better when _________________.

It seems that we think that if we are discontent something is wrong. Something needs to be fixed. After all, our circumstances should provide us contentment, right?

Now, I know many of you are wiser than I and already have spotted the error of this logic. Honestly, I thought I got it, too. But I didn't. I was looking for contentment in circumstances rather than in God.

Philippians 4:11-12-  Not that I speak from want; for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need.

This season of our life has brought with it temptation to be discontent about many things: 

Reduced income.

Living in the city. (I am a country girl.)

Adjusting to being a stay at home mom.

No health insurance.

Cultivating new friendships.

I began to interpret my lack of contentment as something wasn't right. Maybe we had made a wrong decision. Maybe something needed to change. We needed to "fix' this.

Of course, this thinking reveals sin, the sin of discontentment. I thank God for friends who are willing to call sin, sin. As Stephen was seeking counsel from a Christian brother and sharing some of our stuggles this individual pointed out that we are battling the sin of discontentment.

1 Timothy 6:6-7  But godliness actually is a means of great gain, when accompanied by contentment. For we have brought nothing into the world, so we cannot take anything out of it either.

Typically, we don't see discontentment as a big problem in the Christian life. But, it is a big deal.  Really. Discontentment is doubting the sovereignty of God. Doubting that God has a purpose for every season of our lives. It is forgetting that not one decision or event comes without the Lord allowing it.

Why hadn't I realized this before?  Just realizing that what I was facing was sin made a huge difference. The first step was repentance. Then, I began to look at things differently. Instead of trying to change something to feel content, I started to realize that this season brought with it great opportunity for sanctification.

And, by his grace, The Lord is teaching me much. 

I am learning to... 

trust God more,

be thankful,

invest more time into people rather that projects/home decor/shopping,

appreciate the season of plenty we had,

pray more, 

submit to my husband in difficult decisions,

and to parent more intentionally in the time I am blessed to spend with Jude.

Now, don't misinterpret this as, "I have mastered these things." No, at any moment I am tempted to be fleshly and discontent. But, still, there is such a huge opportunity for growth and sanctification, an opportunity that I did not see when I was only focusing on my discontentment and how I could "fix" it.

Are you dealing with discontentment?   Perhaps you, like me, did not realize the sinfulness of your discontentment  Perhaps you are consumed with "fixing" it by seeking out a new job, home, church, etc.  Dear friend, I encourage you to repent. I encourage you to see your struggle as an opportunity for sanctification. May the Lord use this to make us more like Christ.

On Being Mommy

Recently, my life has been consumed with this thing called motherhood...And I haven't posted much about that because, well, to be honest, most of the time I think I am doing it wrong.

Seriously.

Am I weird?

Just this Sunday, in church, the sweet mom in front of me turned around and said, "Hows it going?  How's he doing?"

I looked down at my precious little boy who was, at the moment, a bit fussy and said, "Well, he's tired. Church is during morning nap time."

She smiled sweetly and said, "Yeah, Sundays are hard."

"Thank you," I said. When she looked at me, confused, I continued, "I am relieved to know its not just me or something I am doing wrong."

It seems that I am always second guessing myself. Is he tired? Or hungry? Should I give him the pacifier to sleep? Should I stop swaddling him? Do I lock myself in my house until we have a good nap routine established, or do I continue my life and tote my tot along? Or where is the balance between the two?

Basically, the only thing I am sure about is that I need to quit worrying.  I need to trust that God's grace is sufficient to cover my mommy mishaps. I need to stop, enjoy and be grateful for my son.

I need to pray more.

Just a week or so ago I got in touch with one of my mommy mentors about how she would proceed to lengthen Judes naps. (He basically takes 5-6 30 minute naps during the day instead of 2-3 longer naps.) And her first advice?  Pray.

And, I must admit, I am much quicker to consult the latest book, blog, or forum on a parenting issue than to pray that the Lord would give me wisdom.  Ouch.

That same mom also reminded me that our most importnat concern should be that we raise our children to love God. We shouldn't  put more effort into any other area of parenting. Nothing should concern us more. Breast or bottle? To vaccinate or not? Cry it out or soothe? Scheduled or unscheduled?  All these issues, though important, pale in comparison to teaching my child the beauty of the Gospel.

Sometimes, I just need to be reminded of the proper perspective.

Tonight, bedtime was a complete chaotic failure. But, I am reminding myself of what really matters. I am reminding myself of the lessons I have learned so far in my short time as a mom:

Enjoy and be thankful for my son.

Trust the Lord.

Teach the Gospel.

Pray.

Church Membership

This season of transition has made us acutely aware of the importance of church membership in the believer's life. We all know people who believe (falsely) that they don't need to be a member of a local body. But, church membership is so critical.

Jesus Christ died for the church. He loved the church so much that he died for it (Ephesians 5:25). Yet, many who claim to be followers of Christ sacrifice nothing for the church. Many even deny that they need church membership.  Please don't mistake me for comparing church membership to just having your name on a roster. Instead, I am referring to the corporate study of the Scriptures, worship, accountability, discipline, and fellowship that should be a part of church membership. This is church membership and it is vital to the life of a believer.

Sunday, we ended the season of being believers disjointed from the body; we joined Orange Park Bible Church. We are excited to be a part of this body. We pray that we will be an integral part of the ministry there.

We know that being members of a Biblical, like-minded church was a necessity  We could not survive apart from the body.  The Bible tells us that we need to be apart of the local assembly. The Bible compares members of the church body to parts of the physical body (1 Cor.. 12:12). What happens to an arm, leg, or finger that is detached from the body? Surely, it can not serve its purpose and, ultimately it would die unless reattached.

This little church has already demonstrated the love and grace of God to us in VERY tangible ways (meals, job, living arrangements). We do not deserve the kindness that has been shown to us, but we praise God for it.

Before we joined OPBC, we had to complete a new members class. The day that we joined, the pastor had all of the families who were joining stand in the front of the church while he shared a little about them. When he got to us he began to tell the story of all God had been doing over the past couple years to bring us to this point - membership at this church. I teared up. I so appreciated his reminder that God has been sovereignly working over years to bring us here. For me, it is such a temptation to become discouraged by the stuggles of this week, this month, and this season; I quickly forget that God has been working much longer than that. What a sweet reminder to hear the events of the past couple years and be reminded how God has worked.

We eagerly anticipate how God will use us here. I pray that if you are reading this, and do not have a church home you will realize the importance and begin seeking a place of membership.

If you are searching for a church to call home, I encourage you to read 9 Marks of a Healthy Church by Mark Dever.